so i havent posted in a while. but i think its cause ive been too busy. too busy for anything but fun. which maybe i feel guilty about or maybe i /should/ feel guilty about. but no, i wont cause fun is great. but anyway back to the thinking: two days ago i started thinking again. so now you've got a pile of crazy thoughts. one thing: i really realized how much ive changed. enough so that i can hang out with old friends (and by 'old' i mean by only two years) and they totally dont know me. if i say something, they are surprised. or whatever it is that they are..its not a usual reaction. but dont get me wrong, im not saying that they arent just friends with me like im friends with them..or with my regular friends. its just funny cause i notice the change. on a semi-new topic: ever filter what you say? ..ya, i was doing that for a while. and then i talked to kathleen about honesty, complete honesty and all that. so now im thinking that i dont need to hold back from letting who i am be shown. rearrange that sentence and you've got: i need to be me. and im not saying that i wasnt me. id just not say something because it sounds not like me..but now im like: woah, i didnt even know some of these things about myself. and kathleen: dont worry im not taking it to the extreme like how we talked about it. wow..originally this wasnt going to be here...and then i couldnt stop myself. so i guess : over and out...until below. and now ive got like a million and one songs stuck in my head all at once...i seriously need some form of music thats..portable. thatd be nice. and then id prob. just be singing all day long. which i realized is something i dont really do..sing or hum to myself. heh. i used to sing 'jingle bells' and 'here comes the bride' (dont know the actual title of that song(andplusididntevenknowthelyricstoitthisisfuntypingwithoutspacesorpunctuationitsharderthanyouthink) and now im actually going to stop talking. ah.
-ps.- im not as fake (or troubled actually, everything is fine) as i make myself sound...hopefully you get that.

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Trying to explain my plans for the future to someone who doesn't know my past or present. (that was peer counseling)
Trying to explain how my church sanctuary is just so perfect at night when the light finds its way in. (that was catechism)

Communicating. its beautiful.
language. (expand on that later)

we've got a ways to go,
but darling, you've got a day on me.
ive become blind to whats right before me.
yet cant i see so far ahead.
im lieing, of course, cause you've got a day on me.
but im fooling you, of course, cause you've got a day o me.
you've got your clock ahead so when you look down you'll be further from the ground.
i hate words without meaning.
so why am i writing.
without a reason.
darling im sure you've got a day on me.



kill - jimmy eat world

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

and then he asked me to go to the north pole with him.