may 14 [dont feel obligated to read]
im gonna do something rare because im not myself and i need a big snap snap of my fingers. but thats later on. first some fun song stuff:

'waiting here with hopes the phone will ring'
'anything at all to break the silence.'
'so don't be a liar, dont say that 'everything's working' when everythings broken. and you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor and your eyes say the jokes on me.'
'who do i think i am kidding? when im the only one locked in this hell'
'i don't don't don't believe I fell asleep talk's a waste of time'
'but if the silence takes you, then i hope it takes me too.'
'im upside down'
'avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak'
'i cant just turn off how i feel'
'i know what you wanna say'

now for a rarity 'cause this just doesnt feel quite right:

im sitting cross legged in front of my stereo. the same stereo i turned off this morning, in teh wee hours. that being 12.03 and 57 seconds, 'cause 'i always catch the clock' at moments like that.

zip zip zip back to the morning. i left my cd paused all day so it was night, that is.dark. and i lay on my bed, still fully dressed, wondering what that spin spin spinning was. then i turned off my paused music. the significance of that? not sure yet.

zip zip zip back to present time. if i lean just far enough to my right, not too far so i hit my head, knock myself out and you all end up visiting me in the hospital while i rest in a coma with one of those heart-beepy things next to me. no not that far. just far enough so i can lok out the window at the back of the house at my pool, which is open by the way. in which i want to go swimming by the way.

so then i click play, watch the pretty little digital black lines spinning in circles. the suspense is killing me now. im clicking skip skip skip 66 times 'cause i dont know how else to get to song 66 and now i have some poor quality pretty damien song stuck in my head. m, what i would do for the initials d.r. they're so neat.

now im noticing im sick of the shells on my night table, the button box in the middle of my floor, the stack of green pens on my desk, the shoe box under my desk, and the crumpled paper in my garbage can.

so ive noticed things i would love that ill never have:
wedges
absense of time
unchipped paint
continuous dreams
and streams of words
telepathy
tanner

love taught me to cry - ever cried in your sleep?
so come on courage, teach me to be shy.

'ill be right back after this commercial..wanna sit down now?'

im going to put this here and im going to get in trouble for it. but i dont really care id rather trouble than nothing. but at least i can say i saw it coming.
here lies pretty pearly button #1
here lies pretty pearly button #2
here lies red nail polish
here lies red lipstick
here lies smalltown
here lies monkey-on-my-door
and monkey-in-the-corner

i can hear your heartbeat. but you cant hear mine 'cause your head is way up there and my heart is way down here. and thats the way i want it. 'cause thats the way i like it.

from the soul of:
CHI [cationic hydration interlink]