i havent spent much time actually figuring out what my favourites are
i havent done real homework in the last month
i havent tried many things
including ice scultping
i havent written down my dreams
i havent remembered your name
i havent spent christmas without family
i havent walked on some of the paths behind my house
i havent played tennis in two years, properly
i havent stayed in one place long enough to notice significant change
i havent been to the doctors in say, five years
i havent stayed home this year
i havent told you a list of things that reaches forever


sometimes i cant say what i think
out of fear i might hurt someone, perhaps myself
sometimes i laugh out of reflex
sometimes i cry
sometimes i miss chances ill never get back
sometimes i dwell on things way too long
sometimes i cant decide
sometimes i do things cause i have too, out of obligation
sometimes i things work out in my head, but not out loud
sometimes i regret what i do
sometimes i forget the spelling of easy words
sometimes i disappoint myself
sometimes i just want to be still
and watch the moon

i want to ride
i want to be command myself to be comfortable
i want to have summer back
i want to write on my wall
i want to go to bed



bonne nuit

lets see how this goes over

hopefully by this time tomorrow everything will be different.
'ten different ways to enjoy this night' and none of them seem to be coming to mind.
but what did you or do you expect anyway?
how long
how far
and the other dimensions.
its the other way around.
no i wont do a thing
for you.
and yes, i lie.
occasionally.

'but not because i like it, but because it dulls the mind'

ok. the other lines are coming like ten times easier than my own. eep.

ive got this love for 'darling' thats not really explaining itself. so take a look at the dictionary and you've got a reason.

darling, you are charming and amusing. dearly beloved, you are regarded with special favor. you are greatly liked and preferred, o you're my favourite darling.



so you know when someone says something and suddenly you feel completely ehh. like for a couple seconds you've got no self esteem. no selfregard. o why?. why dont we all just watch what we say, i know i know the answer. but what if. what if we werent captives of sin and hate and guilt and death and all the 'lovely'-opposites that go along with that.

what am i saying.
o the influence of other people.
its not bad is it.
is it.
or maybe i dont even need to decide.
is a 48 hour notice long enough
or do you need more time to plan what to say,
how to react
or any of the 'lovely'-opposites that go along with that?

and to explain myself:
so wait, what /am/ i saying
hang around with one person for a week, and see how much you influence eachother.
but thats not necessarily bad
is it.
some things can just be left alone, its okay
and then the 48 hour thing: totally unrelated--i was thinking about prescribed burns
you realize how much it totally ruins things when you decide before hand what you're going to say?
you realize how much it totally ruins things when you decide before hand how you're going to react?
etc.

this started out as a really vague, cryptic and all the kind. so i explained myself just for you darling. love.

a couple more notes:
i am so ready for eb this week! aaah, ive got three pages of notes.whee!
what do you do when you dont know how to express yourself?
ps. could you answer that?
pps. (.or is it 'pss.') these numbers are neat. -- 0123456789
and i cant seem to catch figure skating.


'goodmorning, and in case i dont see you, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.'
(for those of you who i never seem to see)

tj

o write me a letter

t
-
h
-
i
-
s

is your version of a 'hello'.

and this is my version of
a



'goodbye'.

rediscovery

2665AltX

genuine

o, and by the way, what /is/ your favourite line?



something about my neighbors, the ones i teach, friendly little kids.
the one of them, i tell him to press strongly, right to the bottom of the key, so he gets down and does ten pushups for me. strongly, and right to the bottom.

and he asks me:

"who do you want to be when you grow up?"
"what do you mean?"
"who do you want to be when you grow up?"
"like, what do i want to /do/?"
"no, who do you want to be?"
~~and what do you say to that?~~

funny how the question we're always asking now is, "what do you want to do?".

.......................................................................

"who do you want to be when you grow up?"
- we're still not all growed up
- who? wow, where'd all those childish dreams gooo!?

so wait, you mean we're not all the way yet? and all those dreams and ambitions and strange little ideas we had as little kids are still valid?
he said: "i want to be a hockey player"

"i want to be a movie star"
"i want to be popular"
"i want to get married"
"i want to live in cuba cause its hot"
"i want to live in an appartment, on the top floor"
"i want to speak ten languages"
"i want to invent a car that flys, no...not a plane, a /car/, that flys"
"i want to teach this kindergarten class"
"i want to be famous"


so is that as crazy as we thought?
"id buy you a fur coat"

so who do you want to be?

i want to be, - - - - - its harder than you think.

o and brent, i didnt write it! hahaa.


how many of the 1.8 million things have i covered?.like..,one. or you could count all the little details,
comes to about,
16.

but..., whatcha-ma-call-it,,
happy valentines day!

lets reflect on the day:

sitting in homeroom living through nathan's daily stream of insults..all in good fun (?)
realized that the day would be long.
- band
- choir
- festival choir
- play practice
- teach piano
- homework/theory
- bed

ugh.

ot. ahem

history -- close to the end of class mr. vanderkloet read a couple stories/journal entries/diaries/poems/etc. to us. they were written by soldiers who fought in World War I. (written during the war). and here's the point where i dont know what to say. except for ..horrible. not so many things reach deep enough to actually hit /hard/. but this did. hearing some of the things written, the detail, imagine the memory......and then brent asked for the time. zap. bad feeling gone. but still, here's something that struck me.:

"I heard myself crying, 'God! God! please! and then i remembered, I dont even believe in God.' "

___________ ______ __________________________. and ill leave you to think you're own way around that.


eb -- (environtmental block) -- was when i began to realize that my nose is really bugging me. you know when you have to sneeze but you cant. now make that a permanent feeling.. insanity!!. then spent some time looking through newspapers:
"fashion week" , ok so those really high pants/skirts and tucked in shirts..ya, give it a while and itll be back. achk. then there's the hats. im hoping they stay 'out'. huge hats. really wierd. o well, maybe in a year we'll all be wearing them. personally ill testify to the fact that fashion is just unpredictable. ha, wonder what it would be like to be the head dude''tte that makes the final decisions to what we all wear. but enough on this.
and then i wrote an official letter to my dad...beginning with "mr.ubbens". ya, pretty weird. it helps that it was from three of us "students of tdch". but it didnt help that i was the only one of the three that was there today..heh.

and then the end of the day. --

so relaxed fun is simply great. doing something you enjoy with people you enjoy being with, is just great. i guess you could say im a drama freak..in one sense. the fact that you wont catch me complaining that i have play practice. but no i dont record myself reciting my lines (haha no im just kidding, aaa. nathans thing makes me laugh so much).
ha and i offered eui yong a ride home, then left without him. but hey at least we went back. i guess thats one of those blonde moments that my family just loves to tease me about.
o and another thing. the atmosphere. dim-ish lights. apparently im 'blue' . :
"I need to feel unique and authentic. I am a natural romantic, a poet, a nurturer.
enthusiastic, sympathetic, personal
i look for meaning and significance in life

warm, communicative, compassionate
i need to contribute, to encourage, and to care

idealistic, spiritual, sincere
i value integrity and unity in relationships

peaceful, flexible, imaginative

at work, i have a strong desire to influence others so they may lead more significant lives. i often work in the arts, communications, education, and the helping professions. i am adept at motivating and interacting with others.

in childhood, i was extremely imaginative and found it difficult to fit into the structure of school life. i reacted with great sensitivity to discordance or rejection and sought recognition. i responded to encouragement rather than to competition."


but anyway building on the blue thing. i apparently like dim lights..and its part of my blue-personthing.and atmosphere is important for me, so i guess today was better than most, after ot that is. dim lights in every class.


and building off of homeroom/music council, i encourage all you td go-ers to sign up for talent night.
and thats the end of my little day news thing. wow. i find myself in a rather strange mood. esp. considering i just wrote about my day. but hey. enjoy. "a day in the life of ..tara" (eep. i cant even say my own name.!)

you know its funny, cause i dont even like blue that much. its nice, but colour has done better.
tj

i love you
i love you

i love you

unconditional.
can you believe the lies of the past?
can you understand the hurt of a dedication?
a dedication when it was a lie, where does that leave you?
i love you.

shut your eyes
pretend im not here
now tell a story
and ill believe you
where does that leave you?
i love you

"pull me out from the inside"
do you see the irony
you've proved you have endurance
dont let me down now
can you let her down
prove me wrong
where does that leave you?
i love you.

-------------------------------------

o-ner
do you realize there's no one else who cares
a fear of yourself and how it might turn out
lets wait for june and see where it takes us
but if we do nothing now
where does that leave you?
i love you

ship
code
wouldnt it just be easier
just to arrange for a new package of words
on a valentines card
i promise you can take it any way you want
it can turn out any way you want
but im not going to do a thing
for you
where does that leave you?
i love you

read this again as if you dont know me
try that and tell me again
that i can have it the way i want
but its not one way
its not one way
where does that leave you?
i love you

-------------------------------------

believe me when i say this

dont forget you
i dont forget you
its funny how words just spill over
and thats the end of it all
so lets just make this a spill
that begins it all
i love you
i love you

i love you

so i just happen to have the
most gorgeous sister
in the world!:

and from lysha:

You
looked
so
sweet
I
want
to
scream.
Why couldn't we just be friends for freakin' forever?

poetry wasn't written to be analyzed; it was meant to inspire without reason, to touch without understanding. - nicholas sparks

looking for life on earth.

i know everything about you,
funny how the tables turn

does love by default count? - carole frechette

all that is gold does not glitter, not all who wander are lost. - jrr tolken

if you need it, you got it

hey hey, i should have tried this sooner