downdate

life: such a big deal for such a small thing. smarten up!
there are so many people and such a small population left to get to know them.

quiz time:
at least now i know
so now im driving on a more regular basis. which means i need to get things more together with bethany and start planning a driver school learning date. which im not really looking forward to after hearing the reviews from the others. ha. 'the others'. "sometimes i bleeeeeeed". who's going to get that? counting on you gradeschool girly-cues. so back to driving, i seriously need to start working on the whole nerve factor, im not going to turn into an old granny craning her neck to see over the steering wheel and moving at 20 on a 60 road.
im worn out
1. i am most afraid of _____________.
a) red lights
b) green lights
c) yellow lights
used up
so with the whole driving thing i just summarized in hardly any detail, comes this freaky feeling that everyone is just dying to plow into me; on or off the road. and since im so sick of the process: identify the problem and leave the solution floating out where your heart is, that being somewhere on pluto, which was recently discovered to be /not/ a planet. which makes my heart /not/ a heart. which makes you /not/ a person. wow. freaky. click. click. so back on topic...since im sick of that process ive found a solution to the plowing-into-tara phobia. however reachable it may be. i desperatly need to be a ghost. even better if i could do it on command. i really want to move on right through some people. and have some things (cars for example, people too) move right on through me and not flinch. the best part is, i would still be very conscious of the whole ongoing.
laid aside
2. on a scale of one to ten rate my chances in getting my wish:
history
so about two weeks ago i was at heajins place singing karaoke. whats really scary is that the whole bonding aspect of it all actually happened. i made .mmm...two /new/ friends. which is merely following suit with the rest of my year so far. which is awesome if the whole ghost thing actually turns out. and if it doesnt? im still working on that. so realized with the whole karaoke thing...and then the whole rollerskating thing. that disco balls are really my type of thing. i should have caught onto that sooner though, as i should have with a whole lot of other things. but thats besides the point. i put christmas lights up in my bedroom from november to february. which makes up for the only purposefully tacky thing in my life. i despise tacky.
so now i can at least freely...
3. three things i should have caught onto long ago:
-
-
-
stop
do not go gentle into that good night. im going to take this completely out of context and tell you about a dream i had. i dreamt that we were riding bareback on a horse in the middle of the night. and it was snowing. so as of now. last night was the last time ive ridden a horse.
and you can...
4. when was the real last time ive ridden a horse?
leave
im dieing of curiosity. im so curious: if i hadnt done this whole blog thing. how well would you know me. and how much easier would it have been and be to be friends right now? msn does that too eh. i wish i had never let you all at my email. i have a feeling id be a lot clearer in my thinking.
unless you have any soul in you
5. how has blogs and msn negetively affected you? (this is not a school question. no matter how technical it sounds)
which i know you dont
my course load this year is not quite what i expected it to be. art is a lot harder as mr.groen is fresh with new ideas after his year off and i go on thursdays for extra work (jonathan...we need to think about that thing esp. before he gets on our case). my real love in art class right now though is that book groen has. english is bland, drama is what i expected it to be, fancy that. and geo is unmentionable. and for some reason, i feel a lot older. which makes everything a lot more hazy. as was expected. but im stll not prepared. i know what would make my life perfect right now.
excuse the pessimism
6. what would make my life perfect right now?
to whoever highlights their words
7. whats on your christmas list?
cause i hope you're click clicking now
8. whats on my secret list?
and letting something...
and to avoid this from turning into a guessing game..ill tell you something new. im seeing the hyprocrite in me. which is holding me back from doing a lot cause im afraid of it backfiring back into my face and burning off my eyebrows. which would be horrible. i see the start of a jealous streak in me. which is starting to faze me. and the worst part is that i saw it coming. yes. i did. ive seen a couple things coming, and i see another thing coming now. like i said before, i really want the ghost personality. i could deal with the whole split personality if half of me was ghost. i see things getting complicated. which i remember now was where i was going with the karaoke thing. we sang 'complicated'. if that song wasnt so annoying, id find it bearable. but for now its just ponderable.
hang over your conscience
9. why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
cause that makes two of us.
now go listen to the rest of the song. or better yet, read the lyrics. (and if you do go all the way, your loss.)
and for once in a long while
one more thing. when i talk i want it to mean something. its so easy to let my words get away with me and i can see it in every other person ive ever met too. we're supposed to be living a show-not-tell life. (that reminds me of vriends english class. show not tell in your writing. i wrote about a horse. and did a good job, if you rate it by the mark. it also reminds me of kindergarten. see, we were all on the right track in kindergarten 'show and tell'...and by grade nine we had to be taught all over again. but apparently most of us either zoned out through those classes or forgot already) so there's this one scene in my fair lady that says what im saying
this wasnt self inflicted
Freddy: Speak and the world is full of singing,
And I'm winging Higher than the birds.
Touch and my heart begins to crumble,
The heaven's tumble, Darling, and I'm...
Eliza: Words!
Words! Words! I'm so sick of words!
I get words all day through;
First from him, now from you! Is that all you blighters can do?
Don't talk of stars Burning above; If you're in love,
Show me! Tell me no dreams
Filled with desire. If you're on fire,
Show me! Here we are together in the middle of the night!
Don't talk of spring! Just hold me tight!
Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that
This is no time for a chat! Haven't your lips
Longed for my touch? Don't say how much,
Show me! Show me! Don't talk of love lasting through time.
Make me no undying vow. Show me now!
Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme!
Don't waste my time, Show me!
Don't talk of June, Don't talk of fall!
Don't talk at all! Show me!
Never do I ever want to hear another word.
There isn't one I haven't heard.
Here we are together in what ought to be a dream;
Day one more word and I'll scream!
Haven't your arms Hungered for mine?
Please don't "expl'ine," Show me! Show me!
Don't wait until wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow,
Show me now!
now i remember what i was going to say:
10: this aint really a question: just go watch 'my fair lady'. or at least the one scene where she sings with freddy on the street.
its all part of self-denial.
question #11: is self-denial a good thing?
love
tarajoy
so as politely as i can say: please dont try anything else on me
or do, and we'll see how well i hold up.

proved

midnight and twenty-six


we went roller skating. retro-style. it was awesome!

'whats your name?'
'whats goin' on?'
'whats your name'
'SHAWN!' (hehe eska...why is that so ___?)

1. a kitty and some yarn
2. mouse chased into hole
3. owner collects travel brochures
4. kitty paws at hole in wall
5. mouse cowers with cheese
6. owner packs bags
7. kitty in crate
8. zoom zoom
9. mouse comes out of hole
10. mouse and some yarn

note: some things here are fictional.

hangover

I REMEMBER DRIVING BACK FROM THE
COTTAGE THIS SUMMER. JUST AFTER
THAT PARTY YOU GUYS HELD FOR ME.
AND I HAD THIS SUDDEN FEELING OF R
ELIEF: THIS UNSETTLED AND UNDECID
ED, ITS GOING TO END. WOULD I STILL
FEEL RELIEVED? I DONT KNOW ANYMO
RE. NOW: I LET MYSELF INTO THIS SOR
T OF MESS: CAUSE IT WAS YOUR GIFT
TO ME. AND SUDDENLY THE ONLY THIN
G THAT APPEALS TO ME IS THE SMELL
OF YOU ON ME WHERE WE BRUSHED IN
TO EACHOTHER. AND A MIDDLE-OF-THE
-NIGHT: "I LOVE YOU". (IVE MADE A HAB
IT OF WRITING MY POSTS IN CUT UP SE
NTENCES ON SMALL PIECES OF PAPER
I FIND AROUND MY ROOM; PADS AND SC
RAPS (ESP.TRACING PAPER!) COMPLET
E WITH ARROWS FOR DIRECTION WHEN
I RUN OUT OF SPACE AND SMALL SQUA
RES TO FILL UP SPACE. LIKE HERE) DO
NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGH
T. I PUT IT HERE SO I WILL CRY LATER W
HEN I COME BACK. THE EYE BITING AND
STINGING THING THAT ATTACKS RANDO
MLY IS A BIT COMFORTING. THUS ESTA
BLISHED THAT I MAY BE IN LOVE. AND I
CAUGHT THE AFTERMATH SPELL. SICKL
Y. WICKED. DEADLY. POSSESSED. SO DA
DDY DRIVE ME AND DROP ME OFF SOME
WHERE WHERE I CAN SEE HIS BEDROOM
LIGHT ON PAST TWO. CAUSE I ALREADY
SAID POSSESSED. THEN I FILLED THE RE
ST OF MY PAGE WITH BOXESESESESES.

one door closed

noël has pearl earrings. she wears fishnets to weddings, but not on her legs; over her eyes. She doesn’t have eyes actually, she has green circles on red. bloodshot invitations. noël has an eeyore sticker on the back of her head. What’s it doing there?

noël was walking along a curb, a lot of handholding going on. she has red lipstick. and the lipstick got all over her teeth as she bit into her smile. life is meant to be looked at through love eyes. noël doesn’t have eyes. she has green circles on red. but he still found the back route of her maze, as the green and red are invitations. he planted that eeyore sticker on the back of her head. so she was tracing over the curb, and then she fell, mid-red-lips ticked-smile, and mid-step, she tripped over him as he unintentionally placed his body in her way. and the rest is history.

im starting to enjoy more and more those punch lines i never deliver.

"you're welcome to stay tonight...you can eat more of our grape jelly."

and i walk away to leave two laughing in the kitchen. wicked.

one door opened

you lose inspiration when the thing you draw it from is gone.

when the source is gone.

tarajoy: a lot of handholding

lifes to short
to worry about the small things
and yet
we've already lived so long
that we are so self absorbed
that all we see is the small things
and the only way we look up is
with a tragedy
justin h.

bloggies

i pride myself in and find shame in the fact that i am able to do the whole avoiding a subject thing

bloggies

recipe to a real time
1. teen culture interview 2. saitre 3. black 4. shiny gym floor
5. click-a click-a chooo chooo click-a clack
"i love trains"
"i was gonna say that but i thought you would think im stupid"
whoosh
"excuse me lady, but do you have any hangers"
"why yes, escort me to my back room"
"thank you very much"

"did anyone ever tell you you have beautiful hair?" 6.

would you ever date a guy who smokes?

turn around (link me)
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round.
turn around (link me 't')
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of list ning to the sound of my tears.
turn around (link me)
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.
turn around (link me 'o')
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.
turn around, bright eyes (link me)
Every now and the I fall apart.
turn around, bright eyes (link me 'r')
Every now and the I fall apart.

turn around (link me)
Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild.
turn around (link me 'o')
Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms.
turn around (link me 'u')
Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry.
turn around (link me 'n')
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes.
turn around, bright eyes (link me 'e')
Every now and the I fall apart.
turn around, bright eyes (link me 'e')
Every now and the I fall apart.

And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever
and if you only hold me tight we'll be holding on forever.
And we'll only be making it right 'cause we'll never be wrong.
Together we can take it to the end of the line.
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time.
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark.
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.
I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight,
forever's gonna start tonight.

Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart.
There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.
Once upon a time there was light in my life but now there's only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart.

turn around, bright eyes
turn around, bright eyes

turn around
Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be.
turn around
But every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am.
turn around
Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you.
turn around
Every now and then I know there's nothing any better, there's nothing that I just wouldn't do.
turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart.
turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart.

And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever
and if you only hold me tight we'll be holding on forever.
And we'll only be making it right 'cause we'll never be wrong.
Together we can take it to the end of the line.
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time.
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark.
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.
I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight,
forever's gonna start tonight.

Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart.
There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.
Once upon a time there was light in my life but now there's only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart.

A total eclipse of the heart, a total eclipse of the heart.
Turn around, bright eyes,
Turn around, bright eyes, turn around

guess who else was here?

Galations 5:16-26

numero

this blog is becoming more and more a 'dont-read-me' (my fourth post in one day) and more and more an 'im desperate'. for what? im not sure yet. and the worst part is. i feel sorry for it.
esp. because i just put twine in my paper drawer, and i have a styrofoam head on my desk which has provided more comfort in the last month than much else, the dial tone sounds nice, run my head under the tap just so i dont need tears, my artwork looks better upside down. ironic. and guess what, im living off of asian invasion, my friday nights, saturday at three, pc, annd...when pigs can fly, ill fall out.
im shaking, literally.
a scrunchie is holding my hair in a ponytail. picture your monster in the closet.
i figured it out! monster in the closet! i always hated him.
you were my casper.
what colour text is suitable? _________

more optimism

september

was beautiful last year. as was

october,
november

and

december.

cant remember

january.

but

february

was good too.

ANTIQUED

i had my first real glimpse at the old tara today. probably cause i convinced myself i can move on without some things i dont need and only wanted/want.
the tara who:
had a middle name-joy
rode her unicycle around late at night. daydreaming
didnt need to daydream cause her life was a dream
didnt know how to apply mascara
giggled
hated pessimissm
wanted a rose garden
walked into door frames
loved details
lived for lists
lived for love
had no rings
a full corner instead of an empty one
respected class
made up reasons after the finished product
did the metaphor thing much better than now
but to avoid any more negetive, bitter comparisons.
this is a taste of the girl that had a love and a care.

is it possible to have your character stolen from underneath your very own pink fingertips? (everything used to be pink...colour me in pretty patterns of pink.)
but i was sitting on the bus, dieing because i tried to read YCTIWY while we were driving..which i should know from previous experience is a /bad/ thing!

and i was talking beneath your window. and you watched me, and now you scared me the way you should have then. the most powerful force in the world: eye contact. i know. freaky huh?

even abram would appreciate the non-bitterness of this post.
i spent 45 minutes this morning sitting on the ground in my white fall jacket, /with/ a sketchbook. but all the same pages that were blank before are blank now. so i havent really gotten anywhere. yes that statement was {hopefully} part of the lieing game. because i believe i accomplished something today. something like...left behind.

forget,
your miss(ing)y, lonely.
everything reminds me of 1. and 1 makes me hate everything. darn, why'd i have to go mess up the entire post with that. but it's there now, i claim my backspace key doesnt work. just like a sticky shift key. which happened in march, if anyone cared to know.

Q: you know what nasty habits do?
A: they make you into a nasty person.

reminder to be nice, tara.

done without

how possible is it to see yourself in someone else who lives with completely different circumstances and is probably centuries older than you, but still alive?
i am so incredibly immature.
solomon is indonesian and a warrior.
frank carries around mary and jesus wherever he goes
bruce speaks the language of our heritage
johnny doesnt care about the colour of your skin
big-blue-eyed-boy is lost and needs another heart
shot man was pierced
man in socks is desperate
new york man lost his lover
lady with a doctor has her heart in traveling
man in red jacket can merely be assumed about and i have:
- loves red
- watches people
- looks into eyes not at them
- has a soul
- is an artist..probably an actor
horse trainer...need i say more?
i lost my needle and thread.
got spare change?
dunk the donut.
so kiss me and smile for me.
christen you titanic.
tell me that you'll wait for me.

'fraid of the dark

just to put this into context ill start this one off with my memoir from english:

When I was little, getting up in the pitch black of the night was a near death wish. I believed that when the sun went down, the robbers all came out; they were nocturnal.

Sometimes subtle noises would wake me up from my sleep. The moment I woke, everything in the night became exaggerated. My breathing was loud enough to wake the neighbourhood, my bed springs sounded like a fire alarm, even my quick heart beat could be heard from a mile away. The shadow of my jeans hanging over the door was a black-masked robber prepared to jump at my baby sister, and my Precious Moments figurines were set bombs, accompanied by the ticking of my bedside clock.

Once awake, I would begin to fear for my parents. I became convinced they had been stolen in their sleep. To ease my conscience, I somehow found the nerve to slink out of my bed, teddy bear in hand, crawl across the hall, and peek in at the two deep-breathing lumps in the bed. Assured my parents were still right next door, I once again worried for my own safety as I crouched exposed in the middle of the hallway. I could feel things breathing down my PJ shirt and spiders with their furry legs creeping across my toes. With a sudden surge of adrenaline, I raced the creepy crawly things and the heavy breathing monsters back into my bedroom. With my mind telling me of the robber crouching under my bed, I would run full tilt, spring into the air, out of the reach of the robber’s clawing hands, and bounce under my covers. Shaking like a leaf, I was always very determined to sleep soundly through the rest of the robber-infested night.

and now: five minutes ago. for the first time in a couple years....i ran from those same robbers/kidnappers/whatever you want to call them. the dark invaders of my night.
i was downstairs in my daddy's work shop, making lanar's president name tag...anyways. i finished, flicked off the light. and slammed the door behind me. then i got that same feeling i got when i was little...the feeling of monsters breathing down my neck. so i took the stairs three at a time (yes...that means two steps up to my bedroom floor and yes my short little legs can do that! they just needed a bit of encouragement) and bounded towards the light. runnnn towaaards the liiiighhht. and now behind this stupid screen...im safe. hallelujah amen!