in this place, everything that has ever been said that was never said:
and then she fell for love
and in this place, everything that hasnt been said yet:
and later she'll be in love
and in this place, everything that was tried but ended simply implied:
and she lost her attention span
and in this place, everything that meant to mean more:
and she stormed from the room, frustrated
and in the place, everyone who has ever won her heart:
and she cried in a corner for those who she's lost again
and in this place, choose from all of the above:
and she loves then breaks, dies and hates.



in this place, everything that has ever been said that was never said:



when words dont cover all.

taking a toll on my heart.
goodness, this hurts unbelievably and if i wasnt insane, with all the screaming an such before, i am now, to the furthest extreme.

the ground was shaking and the sky was breaking, clearing the way to victory.

{exercising}
my:

head hurts from thinking
body from the needle

heart from the pressure

spirit from denial

so dont you save me.
dont you save me now.

i couldnt be further from the truth.

my mind kills from the inside out.
i Guess evidence of it all will show up on your door step when next you have fermata over for tea.
{people write when they're emotional}
i guess i could write you a perfume-scented letter, exactly what ive been adviced not to do. i could write you a story full of symbolic messages and double meanings and hope you have the mind to understand it all. i know i could give you reason til you're so sick of blueberries you'll hate me forever. {so opposite day cant exist} but i want quite the opposite.
tears and rain -- will be the death of me
i tried to eat ice cream. i didnt taste it until the last spoonful. i guess this is what it's like to feel nothing. to be without sense. {everything would be easier if i were sensible}

no you know what. ive got more to say.
"and now these three remain: faith, hope and love."
and now more:
love an unbeliever, how can you compromise your faith by loving them beyond the line, then try to "convert" them after you have already lost. how can you say "God is my #1." when you already made him/her your number one. it's an oxymoron to them. there is no win, you've already lost.

the difference between love and romance:
you can love God, but you can't romance God. -- from an unexpected source.

tada:
means so much more, meant to make sense, meant to be for you but i didnt get that far; yet.
agility dines with pride and pride offers its best {potatoes} at times like these
games only work in a classroom, life isnt a game, love isnt a game
guilty of a days fun but not willing to change around for tomorrow, denial at its best
i so hate the hate of confrontation
e.


Lord i pray, do forgive me.

Once upon a time.:

she was sick so she sent in her double.
she was tired so she sent in her double.
hannah sat next to abigail.
and the two of them concocted a plan.
they'd trick they're doubles.
which one is better between the two?
a pig,
an owl,
no a pig.

darling went on a trip,
36 hours,
48 hours of overthinking.
id say try again but id be bending the truth
you've got me this time.
you've got me driving myself crazy this time.

no interuptions,
no distractions,
no violations.

just stay still for one second

so i can capture this moment forever

I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So isolated, and so motivated

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

Little sister
Don't you worry about a thing today
Take the heat from the sun
Little sisterI know that everything is not ok

You'll see, you'll see
"How can I hurt when I'm holding you"

someone who is:
over friendly
over happy
over crazy
over perfect

o, thats all ive got.
paint me a picture in black and white.
paint me your face.

young girl -- im 15 and working on growing up. its coming slowly but i think im getting somewhere. my eyes, ears, and mouth want to stay young, and the rest of me wants to grow up. lets say seeing, hearing, and speaking are the three main parts of growing up. well then im stuck little forever. fortunetly all of it reports back to my brain, so im on my way to the world of people two feet taller and two steps ahead. the world of grown-ups.

are there rules to love? -- yes, read any bible passage on love and you get 'rules' (if you can call them that) on love, the way people act and feel when they love someone or something is different so i guess all the little things people do and say when they are in love are 'natural' rules, and now to go away from anything that has sounded scientific or anything of the sorts,
-- no, for any of you who have seen 'the wedding planner': "love is just love", we make it all sorts of things, make up rules about what you should say or do in such and such a situation, ways you should feel, there's quizzes in magazines on 'is it love?', 'do you crush hard?', 'do you know the flirting basics?', 'are you a dating genius or dating challenged?', 'does he like you?', etc., honestlyy: we live by all these little .rules to love. but there arent any. love is one of the few excuse from "practice makes perfect".
"love is just love"

im quiet you know -- instead of making the argument to you, you tell me, am i quiet?

its the perfect time of day -- nighttime is the perfect time of day. the three best things about nighttime: light (the city is blinking, moon, darkness), silence, and vulnerability

so i havent posted in a while. but i think its cause ive been too busy. too busy for anything but fun. which maybe i feel guilty about or maybe i /should/ feel guilty about. but no, i wont cause fun is great. but anyway back to the thinking: two days ago i started thinking again. so now you've got a pile of crazy thoughts. one thing: i really realized how much ive changed. enough so that i can hang out with old friends (and by 'old' i mean by only two years) and they totally dont know me. if i say something, they are surprised. or whatever it is that they are..its not a usual reaction. but dont get me wrong, im not saying that they arent just friends with me like im friends with them..or with my regular friends. its just funny cause i notice the change. on a semi-new topic: ever filter what you say? ..ya, i was doing that for a while. and then i talked to kathleen about honesty, complete honesty and all that. so now im thinking that i dont need to hold back from letting who i am be shown. rearrange that sentence and you've got: i need to be me. and im not saying that i wasnt me. id just not say something because it sounds not like me..but now im like: woah, i didnt even know some of these things about myself. and kathleen: dont worry im not taking it to the extreme like how we talked about it. wow..originally this wasnt going to be here...and then i couldnt stop myself. so i guess : over and out...until below. and now ive got like a million and one songs stuck in my head all at once...i seriously need some form of music thats..portable. thatd be nice. and then id prob. just be singing all day long. which i realized is something i dont really do..sing or hum to myself. heh. i used to sing 'jingle bells' and 'here comes the bride' (dont know the actual title of that song(andplusididntevenknowthelyricstoitthisisfuntypingwithoutspacesorpunctuationitsharderthanyouthink) and now im actually going to stop talking. ah.
-ps.- im not as fake (or troubled actually, everything is fine) as i make myself sound...hopefully you get that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trying to explain my plans for the future to someone who doesn't know my past or present. (that was peer counseling)
Trying to explain how my church sanctuary is just so perfect at night when the light finds its way in. (that was catechism)

Communicating. its beautiful.
language. (expand on that later)

we've got a ways to go,
but darling, you've got a day on me.
ive become blind to whats right before me.
yet cant i see so far ahead.
im lieing, of course, cause you've got a day on me.
but im fooling you, of course, cause you've got a day o me.
you've got your clock ahead so when you look down you'll be further from the ground.
i hate words without meaning.
so why am i writing.
without a reason.
darling im sure you've got a day on me.



kill - jimmy eat world

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

and then he asked me to go to the north pole with him.