hit'chya where it hurts

Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.
Can't you come back?
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under my window.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

Broken Social Scene - Anthems For A Seventeen Year-Old Girl

dont make me swear you down.

broken social scene
broken social scene
BROKEN social scene
BROKEN social scene
broken social scene
broken social scene
broken social scene
broken social scene
broken social scene
BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE
broken social scene

i despise the six-ness of this all

and you said you would be there, but as far as im concerned your not. five men have not replaced you quite yet, but they're working on it at a faster pace than you could have even thought of surpassing. or even meeting. ya you were the letdown i never dreamed you would be and im appalled at your charm. see you on the other side, when the sea meets the sand.

so kiss me and smile for me. tell me that you'll wait for me. hold me like you'll never let me go. cause you're the voice on the other end. and i could sit for a while and never leave this world of my dreams until reality gets the best of me; kicks me over where i thought i was standing firm. i gotta wait for it now. tie me down, strap me in, im up for a ride...i think.

genuine friendship is a lost cause in my sextet. you've conquered my head. i challenge you this: steal my heart, catch is i wont let you have it. victory is a ways from your line. take heart my dear.

let me tell you a story that will hopefully be less flattering than i intended it, as it was not for another party. i live in a castle. i warn you of that first of all. there are big stone walls that protect me from your kind; the kind with all the weaponry and all the determination accumulated in your long trip across the land (which i do very much appreciate and store it in the barn along with the manure), to destroy a much flimsier wall and gate. my gate is made of iron. all my worst luck to you. (imagine a balance, all the bad outweighing the good) excellent words though, "credit where credit is due". (and yes First And Foremost, that phrase is quite despised and regretted, and you should be ashamed. proud, i think not.)

one quality i cannot deny, you are my face to face. there is something pure and honest about that. i hate to put myself in your shoes, but as often as you deny it, twice as often am i sure of it. to avoid any more random facts of two years together, as i would ramble about for over a page if i did not have a time restraint and a sense of morality, this is where that part ends and i pray for you as well.

here lies the unmentionable.


here's to the sextet and my wounded pride.
love
your dearest unmentionable. (and thats as far as i get to entrusting you to understand my sarcasm)

left to die.

and i hate when things are over.
believe me or not, but being isolated on an island in the absolute middle of no where is so much more comforting than being around here. being there, it felt like nothing else in the world mattered for the simple reason: it felt like nothing else in the world existed. i was quite pleased with the circle around us and the presense. a horrible feeling...coming home to lonely. so now im here left to die, put me on a scale at the moment of my death and you'll see the scale lighten, my soul is gone up to heaven, somewhere higher than here cause this is hell, we cant get much lower. dieing to my old self. dieing away from a year ago. dieing away from the memories that melt me and disguise me as a way too young, love-stricken teenager. --give me that matress you've got sir, and ill pound the living daylight out of it. worse than you ever could, because i /will/ be treated well. kissed.
love,
your used up and not cared or carried.
your all-made-up
ps. left to die is more peaceful than imagined.

if i told you my password you'd cry. running away from the inescapable. happy birthday to the miserable. i got the moment for conversation! my well-deserved time.

andy fixed my title

an art ive been working on (no paint, knives, canvas, graphite, marble or the sort this time):
i tried o so very hard today to seperate my mind from my heart. it's tough, but i can do it. it's not quite as thrilling as i thought. but i miss you a bit, well maybe a bit more than i a bit. (my fingers are connected to these little strings from my heart. now if only i could find a way to attach those strings to your heart..we'd be all set.) and enough with that story. go read something more interesting.

andy, i had something here for you. but then it died. so instead ill give you the link. though you may have already seen it. i typed 'art' into google to see what would show up. and look-here. ha.:
http://www.qwantz.com/fanart/brains.png
enjoy.

love,
tj

a little bit of background information first, for those of you who dont know:
1) i ride the unicycle (and im gonna learn the giraffe.)

2) about a year ago, while i was still living just to tell of the wonder-full things, cause he was so perfect, i met a clown. to make the story short, every time i go down that street and the guy's outside, he offers me a job. so then i started to avoid that street.

today i was spinning through the neighbourhood, doing my weekly rounds. something happened to me again. ill give you a list, that will perhaps even convince you to drop by and learn a bit of one-wheeled-driving.

prologue) read 1) & 2)
3) one time i rode past this house and met these three kids (two guys, one girl). they were in a band, and liked my unicycle. that was about the extent of the conversation. so if one day you hear a song 'bout some young girl riding 'round on a unicycle, completely in love (cause of course all music is 'bout love/the opposite), then you'll know it was me;)

4) i rode past this house that burned down a bunch and a half of years ago. useless point. and i hear this humungie noise, sounded like a sick elephant/racecar. turns out my second guess was better, a pick-up truck. one of those hugggeee ones though, was coming towards me..fortunetly he decided to stop and let me go by. then a couple seconds later i hear the noise coming up behind me again, freaked me out a bit. but it turns out all he wanted was a picture. so now some random dude and his big truck have a picture of me on a one-wheeled-little-truck.

5) there's this house in the neighbourhood that always has a million and one kids running round on the front lawn. always. i think ive been there once, late at night, when there was no one there. anyways, so i always run past there or unicycle past there..and the kids dont remember me, ever. its really funny. but they're getting bigger every year. one of them couldnt walk last year..and now he's walking. i feel like some distant relative who always goes: o wow! you've really grown since i last saw you!

6) dogs bark at me, and the occasional bird makes a really weird squawking sound when i roll past.

7) an elderly lady with a cane called me slow today

8) i went down clown-guys street today

9) i met another clown. fancy that. and no im not making that up. he engaged me in a short conversation..fortunetly didnt try to recruit me or anything. but its a little odd, i have two clowns in the neighbourhood..and me. three people who do the whole unicycling thing.

10) i met 21 new people. unicycling really breaks the ice. esp. on a sunny day.

The actual surface of this sculpture is hard, cold, and smooth. It's made of marble.

Jud Nelson
1979-1981

'here's to expression' and missing white backgrounds with black text.

i wrote this yesterday:

i wrote a list. but once i got about 10 lines down, i realized that its an old idea. gene-eu-s-i-am-a-kang-aroo did it already a while back. so i scratched that.

anyone else get overwhelming in-take time? like the feeling when there's 23 people at the bus stop instead of the usual one. and then get that overwhelming holy im boring, not bored, but boring time. where it seems like all 5 senses arent even working. if i had to choose one and only one of my senses, id keep my feeling.

no i wouldnt. scratch that. scratch and win. haha, im a running contradiciton, catch me if you can. ill ride over the mississippi on a foxes nose. to escape you and what you do to me. because i know what's best and whee! im alive. not for long on a foxes nose.

i wrote on the corner of my paper.
who writes on the back of their paper?
i like sculpter better than drawing or painting.
i really like design.
and i really like texture.
value is great.

let's do a tara:
me:
wait...there's a phone going off in this house, only i can hardly hear it.
ok, now for a tara:
clouds that dont move
straight leg jeans
nature boy
winter pictrue
holding hands
moccasins
16 year old life
a rose garden
cant wait-ing
grassy knole
view from a window
flats
memorization
memory
sad movies
sculpture
bus stops
/people/ at bus stops
painted nails
language
catchy
bunny
tada
eye contact
chandaliers
flow-y pens
infatuation
reinforcements
green green grass
ugly buildings
vulnerability
second thoughts
second chances
broken hearts
profundity
lipstick
achoo
kool krates
plugs
length of time
waste of time
laugh at me
binder dividers
zoom
zip
bad weather
weather patterns
i lost
dave harolds
red teddy
purple doll
easter...gummy bears
(a)
recognition
recognization
realization
jingle bells
carriage
marriage
ballet slippers
i want to...
archives
nicknames
gentleman
black and white life
that's it!

i found me a gentleman. he's the romantic sort and he has a collection of lovers, but not a single one. because of course, he's my gentleman. he rides my foxes nose better than i can because he does so much better than me at the running contradi...he's a gentleman. im infatuated. infatuation. a deadly secret and a catchy disease. spare me from my gentleman and ill send you back across the foxes nose. wrap him up for me at christmas time and ill give you a treasure map.

ha. this is what i mean by that overwhemlingly boring time. im not bored. just boring. eep. save me from myself all you brave hearts.

rambling.
this is so garbage.
lets try for something better.

i wrote this today:

mkay, so i was sitting on the bus. abram was long gone. (key point of information, well not really. but he's great to talk to on the bus. always wants to know more. and plus, once he leaves...which is after like...five minutes, then i sit alone.) which gave me time to confirm to myself that im not as boring as i thought, noooo im not full of myself. hope you can see that. and see this as a sort of personal accomplishment.

i wrote this last night.
then fixed it in my head today. man, ultimite test of the memory.
first of all i want to make sure you all know what a rhetorical question is. so here comes (dum dumm dummm!) the dictionary definition. love from, dictionary.com:

'A question to which no answer is expected, often used for rhetorical effect.'

'A question asked without expecting an answer but for the sake of emphasis or effect. The expected answer is usually "yes" or "no." For example, Can we improve the quality of our work? That's a rhetorical question. [Late 1800s]'

so,
who are we that we should get what we want?

got that? now, these are /not/ rhetorical questions:

what have you got of me to hold on to?
when is two /not/ better than one?

now for a quick recap. so remember, i was on the bus. and i had that little self improvement thing going on. my small bit of personal accomplishment of the day, im not quite as boring as i thought. and now you're going to read this and think: holy this girl here needs a life. but ive got myself one of those and this just adds to it. whee for self confidence boost. (that and my index fingernail has polka dots on it. heck yes!): abram bought another package of smarties, after he managed to spill them all over the floor of the commons and then, quite naturally, throw them all back into his mouth...so by bus-time, he was sick of smarties and dumped half of them at me. now usually i dont save the red ones for last because thatd be the deadly conforming to society thing that everyone tries so desperatly to run away from. but since /not/ conforming would by now /be/ conforming, for all the people who made /not/ conforming the real conformation...(blah blah) i nearly did 'conform' whichever definition you've got of that. and had left, a red, a green, and a pink. since i can hardly deny it cause im sure itll rack itself into my conscience, i sat stumped on which combination of two i should leave on my hand. green and pink: too american eagle-like. green and red: christmas...which, when not at christmas time, usually drives me to running and screaming in the other direction, but since i suddenly had that strong desire to do the opposite of tara..it was a possiblility. and then pink and red: valentines day. now, i didnt come to a decision. but instead for some reason, my fingers were magnetically pulled to grabbing the green and eating it. so instead of doing the opposite of tara, i did exactly what tara would do. split up red and green, and go for the love-ly way. and now i have a strong desire to say: sick women. this is so weird. i wonder who actually read that. but now im going to move on to something that i cant escape. o ! and a profundity!, natuurlijk

i believe i have it stitched into me the desire to capture europe, not just in a couple hundred photographs, but in this red beating thing of mine. just think of how much more interesting this all would be if europe was on the other side of that big wooden door over there, instead of stashed away by the millions of fishes between me and it.

i cant escape a bus stop. i saw a lady today..not at a bus stop, imagine that. she was standing on one of those almost-triangular things in between three streets. pretty much a jail cell for someone afraid to cross the road. since we were on a school bus, at a crooked intersection, i couldnt see anything coming up in the other direction..so when the lady flipped her finger and cranked her wrist a bit, i figured she was signaling a cab. with nothing better to do i kept my eyes on her. then a bus drove by. then she gave it a dirty look. then she turned around and walked in the same direction the bus had taken off in. she 'missed' the bus.

my own grammar throws me off.

and last night:

what have i got of you to hold on to? im writing with my pen that's your pen. freaky huh. i can still feel you shaking here. my sister says you're jumpy. you're casper to me. the friendly ghost. haunted for goodness sake. i swear you away. guess what. ive had this thought all summer that i have something that doesnt belong to me. that red beating thing. (unless we're fourteen and i live on juliet's balcony) the feelings that my heart has dont belong to a sixteen year old. i havent grown into my heart yet. tragic isnt it.

love,
easily amused.

ps. art class with lanar and john...ha, be jealous.

i had four saved drafts. and now this.

how in love /are/ you?

timothy is off to university tomorrow. tracey is off to highschool on tuesday. and guess what im homeschooled!.
nope, im still at td. which means another year of...td. ha. um. i was thinking...who's gonna be on our grad picture posted in the foyer : vice principal, janitor, secretary, bus driver, or coolest grade nine of the year.? thats just under two years away. im safe.
so far ive started something new every year. grade nine was easy. everything was new. grade 10, i did the music council thing. plus the acting thing instead of the spotlight Joshua thing. plus the cool new friends thing. plus the wishbone thing. im bad at that one though, i must not do it right. grade 11 i think might be a little bit tougher to find new things. perhaps some new friends will come trotting along into my life. we'll see. but ive got the desiree thing, yes! ive got the back to my homeroom thing. ive got the missing nathan and all the other kids in music council thing. but thats really the same as my homeroom-back. ive got the upper locker thing. ben hartholt is below me...and he's so much taller than me. i feel bad. just like i feel bad about walking with an umbrella...cause its hard to share the itsy bitsy umbrella unless you're my height or shorter. ive got the potential jazz band thing-y. ive got the new badminton partner thing. (o gosh lanar;)!) ive got the bought-a-new-sweatshirt-i-can-wear-when-i-want-a-hood-and-my-bed-back thing. ive got the email thing. ive got the demented heart thing. and ive got the whap-me-on-the-head-hiss-buzz-floop thing. so maybe grade 11 wont be as hard as i thought...well, i mean the got-new-things. that wont be so hard. but really that all started with:
gr.9 - new everything
gr.10 - music council
gr.11 - jazz band
gr.12 - any suggestions?
i dont like my fridge, computer, or dishwasher. they all get quiet and make me feel rather awkward.
the clock says 8.32. my clock woke me up at 6.30. my phone's ringing.
this is so not me. i think ive burst all the 'me' on this 'me' thing im doing in bed at night. the, run-back-and-grab-your-memory-stick-it-in-and-view thing. killer i know.
readers and comment posters: i think i fixed the time. we'll see where that takes us.
hey look:
september 28, 2005
me:

my shoulder hurts from banging into the door frame one too many times
i like to know what that button does
sometimes i sing off key
on -- the french one
never 256
a loop at the end of my braid
one wheel
that tree on my front lawn that wont grow
a list like this
special words
a trip with an unknown destination
phone calls from those people who never call
singular sometimes and plural sometimes
quote on quote
i dont know
mittens
the absense of rings on my fingers
a rose garden
an empty corner
a full corner
5 senses
when people notice things that i didnt
homeroom just cause everyone else hates it, but im really not contradictory
squinted eyes
brown and green, but why dont i like turtles
freedom
grandmothers and rocking chairs, especially the one at mcmichael
antiques
class, not the school one
commas
round things that become "unrounded"
little containers
unknown reasons and reasons that are made up when its over
hidden thoughts, and metaphors, not simile
mistakes

september 29, 2005

Okay so the sky is blue, and I can see the clouds. But the sun went down over an hour ago and the streetlights are on. And I think Id say it were noon if the moon shone brighter.
So I’ve realized that the end of summer love and the abrupt need for mittens aren’t the only things I need to get used to as October decides to come around

2665AltX

and holy! im too smart for my own good. i like to look back and realize i was looking forward.
so here's to a new time. clink. clink. and..
love,
hiss-buzz-floop.

________________________
.drow citatsce ,gnitacoffus ,dionarap .llewslovelovelove

paranoia. suffocating, ecstatic, affordable word.

wishwishsuffocate. ecstatic, affordable, swallowing word.

.drow gniredrum ,gniwollaws ,elbadroffa

afford. swallowing, murdering, generous word.crackle. what the...

swallow. murdering, generous, flattening word.

________snapsnapmurder. generous, flattening, pretenseful word.

generousness. flattening, pretenseful, fulfilling word.

flatten. pretenseful, fulfilling, sacrificial word.burnbaby

.drow detnarrawun ,laicifircas ,gnillifluf .lufesneterp

kisskisskisskissbang boom hiss zip tweet whaa whap pow floop

i sound like:
whir,
whee,
snap,
buzz,
splutter
splatter,
plash,
ehh,
oo,
ahh,
whiz,
oops,
crackle,
floop,
pop,
pow,
bang,
zip,
crash,
huck,
bleh,
whoop,
whaa,
tweet,
clatter,
clang,
swish,
cuckoo,
fizz,
whoosh,
crunch,
plop,
clack,
thwack,
ding,
tinkle,
roar,
twang,
and hiss.